I Don't Even Know Why I Bother

There's this boy. (No groans from the peanut gallery. You can just go away.)

His name is Shawn. He's worked in toys, right next to my department, for about three months now. A few weeks ago, we went and saw the third Mummy movie together. Then, we hung out at his friends' house. They're all very geeky people. They love me. I'm off topic.

Anyway, I got invited to join a D&D game at their house, with Shawn. Shawn's had a crush in me for about 3 months. I've had one on him for about 2. We've both played "dance around the topic" for quite a while. Finally, last week I just gave up and cornered him as we were leaving, and out of the blue asked him if he was interested. Once he could form a thought again, he said yes. I told him it was mutual.

It's been a while since then. I've seen him every day since then. Nothing's happened. He's too shy to do anything about it, I'm afraid. Which upsets me, because I really like him. Conversations with him are always interesting, thought-provoking, and full of chemistry without the innuendoes. I'm genuinely attracted to him, not just lusting like I normally do.

The problem is, us going anwhere will require me breaking several of my own rules. I work with him. (I don't date coworkers.) He's younger than me. He's my brother's age. ( I don't date younger men.) He's sweet. (I like jerks.) He's a virgin. Never had a girlfriend. Never been kissed. (No, no, and no. Way too much pressure.) He's a geek. (I can't take him home to my family.) I'm leaving in December. (I don't do long-distance relationships. I don't even really do relationships.) One of us is going to get hurt. (I don't intentionally hurt people I care about.) He's everything I 've never wanted or expected out of a guy, nothing I ever thought I'd like. Nothing I every expected to need. Nothing like I've ever known a guy to be like before. He reads Nora Roberts, for Christssake...

The longer he waits, the more I realize that being interested isn't a good idea. I want him to hurry.

I want to not like him.
I don't want to miss out on this chance.
I don't want to make a mistake.
I want to deserve him.
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to hurt him.

I want to know.

Chocolate Covered Cherries are my Favorite

My hair gets dyed a lot. A lot-lot. I started dying my hair in 8th grade, mostly highlights. Ever since then, i've been just about every shade I can be, from blonde to black, including blue, green, and pink. My favorite color to dye my hair is red. Any combonation of red. Red, blood red, soft red, red and black, red and blonde.

Two years ago, it finally came to the point where I just couldn't die my hair anymore. It was so severly damaged, it turned to straw and started to fall out. So, I quit. My new policy is once a year.

Jen, on the other hand, has just realized she can dye her hair, and she's having a blast with it.

On Wed., we dyed it light brown. On Thurs., we went ahead and bleached it to a Wilma Flintstone orange. (Her hair was soooo dark, the color we choose never shows up. So, we lightened it, to make it stick.) And finally, at 5am Friday morning, I finished it off at chocolate-covered cherry. It's dark brown with an underlying shimmer of red. Like, so red it's almost purply-magenta.

It's awesome.

I wanna dye my hair again.

People are Insensitive

Today was my first class with my favorite teacher, and my favorite classmate. Sounds like fun, right?

Wrong.

The teacher asked 25 very opinionated very talkative Mass Communications majors to work together to choose from several options to set an attendance policy.

It took over an hour.

How fair is it to expect people who have kids, who are pregnant, or have to drive 35 miles in Oklahoma winter to only miss class twice in 4 months!?

I Start School Today

And I'm suffering from a complete mix of emotion. I'm really excited to go back, to see my friends and teachers. I've got three classes I'm really, really looking forward to. I think they'll be tons of fun, and really useful for the real world. I can't wait to go to class, which starts in 35 minutes.

I don't wanna go to class. I don't have my books yet, I have to take Biology this semester, and I have an 8 am Lab. I hate lab. Hate Bio. Not because I can't do them, Bio and labs haven't ever been a problem. Mostly it's because they want me to do conversion equations at 8 am. I HATE math. Anything involving makes decreases my chances of pulling a 4.0 this semester, which I have to do to graduate with a 3.0 cumulative. I'm going to spend the semester as a cranky hermit.

Oh, and the one major thing. This is my last semster of college. My last one. This is it. In 4 months, I have to go get a real job. A 9-5 job, that'll pay crap, cause I have no experience. I'm terrified I'm going to do what my friends did, and wake up one day, and it'll be a week before I graduate and i'll have no job and have to move back in with my parents while I look for one.

Or worse, I'll live with Jen and work at Walmart for the rest of my life.

I'm in the Closet

It's true. I am.

I am a geek. A Magic-playing, karaoke-singing, Halo-pwning, geek. I pride myself on the fact that I can kick your butt at Wii boxing, leave you penniless at Monopoly, know proper Tudor court dress and manners, and act as my friends' very own walking, talking Wikipedia.

But, it is a very, very silent pride. I come from a community where geeks are scorned, and want the kind of life that requires me to pull off utter normalicy at all times, since my job will be to moniter an image. The image I present will eventually be the image of the company.

The other day, one of my friends called me normal. I laughed... until he told me he was serious. I'm one of the most normal people he's ever met. It makes me wonder how much my friends here really know about, how much I've let them in.

I suppose it's a good thing, that I do it so well, since I'll have to do it for the rest of my life.



But, I don't want to be normal.

Summer Always Messes Things Up

I'm so bad at bloggin during the summer. I've had one since I was 16, and if you look back through them, every single one, I get spotty right before summer, have like two updates from May to August, and then pick back up again when class starts. It's not like nothing happens, it's just that nothing happens when I can get to a computer to tell about it.

What happened this summer?
1. I graduated (but not really, since I'm not done with school. Finish in December.)
2. Twit moved out, Kris moved in.
3. Kris moved out/our house got hit by lighting/Jen and I moved too.
4. I made new friends (we're called the "Walmart Cult". Guess where we all work?)
5. I finished summer class with a 4.0
6. Twit started college at another school. (That makes #3.

Life got crazy there for a while, I lost touch with everybody important to me, from A-town and on the web. I still get news about Jesse and I still read blogs daily on my friends to know that they're ok, that they're happy and safe, but I'm not an active figure in people's lives anymore. I'm more of a lurker.

I got asked out on my first date in over a year the other day. I went. We had a lot of fun, until we ran into his friends and the haranged him to within an inch of his life. I guess he doesn't date much. I think I got asked out on a second date, too, but it wasn't exactly asking as much as it was him trying to hint at me that he'd like to ask me out again but he was afraid I was embarassed by his friends and would say no.

I think that's enough catch-up for now. It's, like, 3:30 in the morning, and I work in 12 hours.

Wait, what's today? Do I work at 3 or 4 today?

I can't wait for school to start, so I actually know what day it is.

A Day of Good News

The Doctor called.

No cancer.

Even after a culture, no anomalies.

My head is still spinning, and my stomach's so full of butterflies, I feel like vomiting.