I Don't Even Know Why I Bother

There's this boy. (No groans from the peanut gallery. You can just go away.)

His name is Shawn. He's worked in toys, right next to my department, for about three months now. A few weeks ago, we went and saw the third Mummy movie together. Then, we hung out at his friends' house. They're all very geeky people. They love me. I'm off topic.

Anyway, I got invited to join a D&D game at their house, with Shawn. Shawn's had a crush in me for about 3 months. I've had one on him for about 2. We've both played "dance around the topic" for quite a while. Finally, last week I just gave up and cornered him as we were leaving, and out of the blue asked him if he was interested. Once he could form a thought again, he said yes. I told him it was mutual.

It's been a while since then. I've seen him every day since then. Nothing's happened. He's too shy to do anything about it, I'm afraid. Which upsets me, because I really like him. Conversations with him are always interesting, thought-provoking, and full of chemistry without the innuendoes. I'm genuinely attracted to him, not just lusting like I normally do.

The problem is, us going anwhere will require me breaking several of my own rules. I work with him. (I don't date coworkers.) He's younger than me. He's my brother's age. ( I don't date younger men.) He's sweet. (I like jerks.) He's a virgin. Never had a girlfriend. Never been kissed. (No, no, and no. Way too much pressure.) He's a geek. (I can't take him home to my family.) I'm leaving in December. (I don't do long-distance relationships. I don't even really do relationships.) One of us is going to get hurt. (I don't intentionally hurt people I care about.) He's everything I 've never wanted or expected out of a guy, nothing I ever thought I'd like. Nothing I every expected to need. Nothing like I've ever known a guy to be like before. He reads Nora Roberts, for Christssake...

The longer he waits, the more I realize that being interested isn't a good idea. I want him to hurry.

I want to not like him.
I don't want to miss out on this chance.
I don't want to make a mistake.
I want to deserve him.
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to hurt him.

I want to know.

Chocolate Covered Cherries are my Favorite

My hair gets dyed a lot. A lot-lot. I started dying my hair in 8th grade, mostly highlights. Ever since then, i've been just about every shade I can be, from blonde to black, including blue, green, and pink. My favorite color to dye my hair is red. Any combonation of red. Red, blood red, soft red, red and black, red and blonde.

Two years ago, it finally came to the point where I just couldn't die my hair anymore. It was so severly damaged, it turned to straw and started to fall out. So, I quit. My new policy is once a year.

Jen, on the other hand, has just realized she can dye her hair, and she's having a blast with it.

On Wed., we dyed it light brown. On Thurs., we went ahead and bleached it to a Wilma Flintstone orange. (Her hair was soooo dark, the color we choose never shows up. So, we lightened it, to make it stick.) And finally, at 5am Friday morning, I finished it off at chocolate-covered cherry. It's dark brown with an underlying shimmer of red. Like, so red it's almost purply-magenta.

It's awesome.

I wanna dye my hair again.

People are Insensitive

Today was my first class with my favorite teacher, and my favorite classmate. Sounds like fun, right?

Wrong.

The teacher asked 25 very opinionated very talkative Mass Communications majors to work together to choose from several options to set an attendance policy.

It took over an hour.

How fair is it to expect people who have kids, who are pregnant, or have to drive 35 miles in Oklahoma winter to only miss class twice in 4 months!?

I Start School Today

And I'm suffering from a complete mix of emotion. I'm really excited to go back, to see my friends and teachers. I've got three classes I'm really, really looking forward to. I think they'll be tons of fun, and really useful for the real world. I can't wait to go to class, which starts in 35 minutes.

I don't wanna go to class. I don't have my books yet, I have to take Biology this semester, and I have an 8 am Lab. I hate lab. Hate Bio. Not because I can't do them, Bio and labs haven't ever been a problem. Mostly it's because they want me to do conversion equations at 8 am. I HATE math. Anything involving makes decreases my chances of pulling a 4.0 this semester, which I have to do to graduate with a 3.0 cumulative. I'm going to spend the semester as a cranky hermit.

Oh, and the one major thing. This is my last semster of college. My last one. This is it. In 4 months, I have to go get a real job. A 9-5 job, that'll pay crap, cause I have no experience. I'm terrified I'm going to do what my friends did, and wake up one day, and it'll be a week before I graduate and i'll have no job and have to move back in with my parents while I look for one.

Or worse, I'll live with Jen and work at Walmart for the rest of my life.

I'm in the Closet

It's true. I am.

I am a geek. A Magic-playing, karaoke-singing, Halo-pwning, geek. I pride myself on the fact that I can kick your butt at Wii boxing, leave you penniless at Monopoly, know proper Tudor court dress and manners, and act as my friends' very own walking, talking Wikipedia.

But, it is a very, very silent pride. I come from a community where geeks are scorned, and want the kind of life that requires me to pull off utter normalicy at all times, since my job will be to moniter an image. The image I present will eventually be the image of the company.

The other day, one of my friends called me normal. I laughed... until he told me he was serious. I'm one of the most normal people he's ever met. It makes me wonder how much my friends here really know about, how much I've let them in.

I suppose it's a good thing, that I do it so well, since I'll have to do it for the rest of my life.



But, I don't want to be normal.

Summer Always Messes Things Up

I'm so bad at bloggin during the summer. I've had one since I was 16, and if you look back through them, every single one, I get spotty right before summer, have like two updates from May to August, and then pick back up again when class starts. It's not like nothing happens, it's just that nothing happens when I can get to a computer to tell about it.

What happened this summer?
1. I graduated (but not really, since I'm not done with school. Finish in December.)
2. Twit moved out, Kris moved in.
3. Kris moved out/our house got hit by lighting/Jen and I moved too.
4. I made new friends (we're called the "Walmart Cult". Guess where we all work?)
5. I finished summer class with a 4.0
6. Twit started college at another school. (That makes #3.

Life got crazy there for a while, I lost touch with everybody important to me, from A-town and on the web. I still get news about Jesse and I still read blogs daily on my friends to know that they're ok, that they're happy and safe, but I'm not an active figure in people's lives anymore. I'm more of a lurker.

I got asked out on my first date in over a year the other day. I went. We had a lot of fun, until we ran into his friends and the haranged him to within an inch of his life. I guess he doesn't date much. I think I got asked out on a second date, too, but it wasn't exactly asking as much as it was him trying to hint at me that he'd like to ask me out again but he was afraid I was embarassed by his friends and would say no.

I think that's enough catch-up for now. It's, like, 3:30 in the morning, and I work in 12 hours.

Wait, what's today? Do I work at 3 or 4 today?

I can't wait for school to start, so I actually know what day it is.

A Day of Good News

The Doctor called.

No cancer.

Even after a culture, no anomalies.

My head is still spinning, and my stomach's so full of butterflies, I feel like vomiting.

I Want

Time for my birthday tradition.

I want... An unlimited supply of Braum's Frozen Yogurt. Twist, please.
I want... My front door fixed
I want... To sleep more. Well, maybe not. I'd settle for sleeping less, but more efficiently.
I want... To visit my grandparents. And some dear friends of mine, that'll I'll probably never actually see.
I want... To feel with every fiber of my body. It doesn't have to feel good, I just need to know that I can.
I want... To be happy with myself.
I want... To see the good in others.
I want... To be purposefully passionate.
I want... To stop hiding everything. Or, to get so good at it, I don't know I'm hiding.
I want... To come to terms with judgement. People will judge; I must learn to weed through the ones that I can't change.
I want... My bills paid off. Even just my student loans. I don't need EVERYTHING paid off, just those. Please?
I want... Violence to stop.
I want... Women to rule the world! Oh, wait. We already do... very subtly.
I want... To find someplace to volunteer.
I want... To ache for all that is good, and find some way to make it better.
I want... To do something meaningful.
I want... To change the world. Slowly. Overnight.
I want... To change someone. Preferably, for the better.
I want... Our air conditioning to work. Cheaply.
I want... Someone to snuggle with. Male or female, I'm not picky. Just someone to cuddle against on my bad days.
I want... The price of Gas to go back down. 98 cents a gallon would be awesome...
I want... I want something.

My Birthday is Tomorrow

Well, not exactly. It's actually on Sunday, but we're celebrating tomorrow, since we all work Sunday.

We're going to the waterpark in the city, and maybe the amusuement park. Then we'll eat at a cheap resturaunt, and return home. Zillah, Jen, Kris, and I. Just the girls, with no boys along for the ride.

It should be lots of fun, but let's face it: It's not what I wanted to do. I was informed it was what we were going to do with no say-so. It's not that I don't want to go, or that I don't think it will be fun, ut there are other things I'd rather do instead. Aside from that, I'm purchasing my own ticket into said park, paying to store the cooler of water and to park, and paying for my dinner at a very cheap resturaunt because everyone else is flat broke. We're taking my car, and I'm paying for gas.

There will be no presents this year, from anyone, and no cake on my birthday.

I sound selfish, I know.

But, I kind of wish someone had asked me what I wanted, you know?

A Day Off

Yesterday and today were the first two days I've had off in a row since Feb., when I started working for WalMart.

But, today was also special, since it's the day when all three of the girls living in my house are off together. This morning we cleaned my room, ate pizza, did laundry. This afternoon, we did our nails, watched Adam Sandler movies, and talked about various odd stuff our ex-boyfriends have done/been interested in. We also ate through the good parts of an assorted chocolate box, and had a grilled cheese and turkey sandwich. Then, we sat on Kris's blazer and watched the storms blow in. We topped it off with more laundry and two hours of America's Funniest Home Videos.

I love lazy days, and I've missed my friends. Now all I need is Zillah to be closer, off on Thursdays, and a few friends I know well but haven't met in person to be a lot closer, and things'll be perfect.

Oh My God...

So, a few weeks ago, I got a bike. It's a very cool bike, but I hadn't gotten to ride it until today. Jen got on her bike, and I got on mine, and we went for a 3 1/2 mile joy ride through town to test it out.

I need to raise the handlebars, and I will definately have to figure out a water bottle, but it's awesome otherwise.

But seriously, I forgot how out of shape I am. My knees and hip were on fire by the time we got to town. I'm glad summer has come. Hopefully by the MidSummer, I'll be in shape enough to ride my bike to work, and save on gas!

Pahaw

I'd like to tell you all a story, if you have the time. A story about two people, called Mahaw and Pahaw.

Mahaw and Pahaw are two wonderful, amazing people. They are known for being good, strong, sturdy people with morals and old-fashioned work-ethic, as well as great friends. They've never met a stranger, and treat everyone they meet like family. Their grandkids' friends are their grandkids, too, and their house is always open to any 7th-cousin-by-marriage-twice-removed who might come through town. They come from a generation that quit high school before they graduated, because the family farms needed tending, and Great-Granddad needed helping keeping his carpentry business alive. The entire community they come from knows them as Mahaw and Pahaw, Inyanna's grandparents.

Pahaw was diagnosed with Tuberculosis when Inyanna was in eighth grade. The doctor’s don’t know where he contracted it, but they knew it would kill him if they didn’t do something, so they gave him poison, masquerading as medicine, to kill the disease hiding in his lungs. The problem was, the medicine they gave him to heal him wasn’t picky about was it poisoned. It almost killed him, and he’s never been the same since. He doesn’t heal as quickly, or as fully, as he used to. He’s just a little slower, a little more worn. You'd never know if you met him, though.

In 2005, he had a heart attack, and an emergency quadruple bypass. Six months of recovery, and he was good as new, working at a cement plant and riding his Red Wing Motorcycle across the state with motorcycle gang (all of whom are over 55) with his lady sitting on the back, and Rving to every lake in Oklahoma with his buddies each summer.

This fall, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The doctors have given him a good prognosis so far, and they've started chemo. But, the doctor and gas are expensive, so they're having to move. Mahaw had to quit her job to take care of him. Now, lively, wonderful Pahaw, who used to ride motorcycles and build houses and fry Thanksgiving turkeys is a tired man with hollows under his eyes, who falls asleep in front of the TV because it takes to much to walk to the bedroom to sleep at night. Their funds are exhausted, he's exhuasted, and the doctors are afraid that the cancer might have spread to his bone marrow or his lymph nodes.

If that happens, there won't be much they can do for Inyanna’s Pahaw. He's just too weak, and been through too much, for them to safely do much more than they already are. They've told Mahaw, and their daughter, my Mom, and me, but they haven't told him yet. They’re afraid if they tell him, he'll stop fighting, and he has to fight the chemo, or the dosage is high enough, it might kill him.

But Pahaw knows. He's known longer than anyone else has. He's been trying to prepare his family for this for a while, and they've pushed it away. He's always been the rock, the strength, the fixer, the wisdom and the discipline. No one wanted to know.

This would be so much easier for everyone if it were just a story. There is nothing I wouldn’t give right now to make it just a story, just words on a paper, that I can push a button and delete if I don’t like the wording or the ending.

But I woke up this morning and realized it was a reality.

So, you can see, this is difficult for everyone now. Mom's not taking it well that she’s going to lose her Daddy, and Mahaw's stretched too thin with time and worry and money. My little brother is oblivious, and my Dad's a funeral director, so he's helping Pahaw with plans.

Anything you can offer them, any peace, or hope, or wishes for acceptance, they could all sure use.

Thank you all, so much.

Love, Light, and Laughter,
Inyanna

Something I pride myself on is living my life without regrets. Don’t do things you’ll know you regret, don’t regret the mistakes you’ve made, don’t regret the things that are out of your hands, don’t miss out on things you’ll regret not doing.

It’s a very complicated mentality, and makes me a very complicated person with a very complicated set of morals. Toss my religion in there, and I’m all kinds of difficult and multi-faceted.

That’s not where I was headed with this. I was talking about regrets. I don’t regret any of my choices. I don’t regret High School, I don’t regret Dodge City, I don’t regret Northwestern. I don’t regret the choices that led to my assault, I don’t regret the friends who’ve disappeared. I don’t regret my time with Bodie, I don’t regret how it ended.

So where am I going with this?

There is a movie/play, called RENT. There is a song sang at some very pivotal points of that movie. It kills me everytime I hear. It literally breaks me open, hurts so deep I don’t think there’ll be anything left when it’s over. But, it’s a song I love, because it’s so close to how I feel, to how I live, to what’s going on right now.

It’s sung by people with HIV/AIDS, about trying to go through life, making choices, doing the day-by-day routine.

Will I lose my dignity/Will someone care/Will I wake tomorrow/From this nightmare?
There’s only us/There’s only this/Forget Regret/Or life is yours to miss
No other road/No other way/No day but today

I don’t have AIDS (thank God for small favors, all things considered). I can’t imagine what that would be like.

I did have cancer, though. Cervical cancer, early stages, given to me by my attacker. We’ve treated, and treated. They think they’ve gotten all of it, as of a year ago. Last week, I had my one-year check-up. They tell me if this one comes back clean, there is a very good chance it’ll never come back again.

I’m terrified. What if it’s gone? What if it’s not? Do I have to go through all this again? Do I tell my family this time? Can I put my friends through all of that again?

I’m so scared.

Happy Birthday

Meet Zoey. She's our newest addition to the family. Jen's 21st birthday is coming up, and she's desperately wanted a puppy for the longest time. So, we got her one.

I Always Hate These, But I Haven't Done One in a While

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? Mine are green, Jen's are blue, Ty's are black, and Kris's are white.
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Heaven and Earth by Nora Roberts
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Life, Clue
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Cosmo!!
6. FAVORITE SMELL? Jasmine, and Magnolia
7 FAVORITE MOVIE? It changes by day. But, if National Treasure is on, it doesn't matter what else is, that's what we're watching.
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Why.. won't ... you stop... buzzing...Ha! ZzzzzzZz
9. FAVORITE COLOR? Emerald
10. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? Grey
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Two vibrates and a ring
12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? I'm not naming something I don't plan on having. That's asking for trouble.
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Passion.
14. FAVORITE SOUND? Talking to someone who's smiling. You can always tell.
15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? chocolate
16. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No. But, I have a dog, and she thinks she has to be on the bed.
17. DO YOU KNOW CPR? I know the old style, but I haven't taken the re-up class that's teaching the new method
18. STORMS COOL OR SCARY? I like them, but I'm afraid of thunder. It's loud.
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1986 Deep red Pontiac Firebird five-speed stick shift. My car rocked.
20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? Elizabeth I
21. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? White Russians
22. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN AND YOUR BIRTHDAY? Gemini, May 25
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? I actually prefer the stems to the florets/
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? An internationally acclaimed plus-size clothing designer
25. ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Blood Red, tipped with gold.
26. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes
27. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? Who drank my lemonade? I just poured that...
28. FAVORITE DINNER? Filet Mignon, but I can't afford that. I'm in college.
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? There are right keys?
30. YOUR FAVORITE AGE SO FAR? I don't think I've gotten there yet?
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 19 and 23
32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? baseball or football or golf or hockey or basketball or cheerleading or dance or rugby or cricket or extreme sports or skateboarding or skating or figure skating or... I just like sports
33. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? Turning into the pregnant out to HERE chick with overalls, a baby on one hip, kids crawling all over the shanty, and cars up on cinder blocks with grass grown over the windows yellin "Ya'll git yur country hides in hur NAW!"
37. FAVORITE ARTIST? what kind of art? Recording artist, actress, performance artist, media art, visual arts, dance, ballet?
38. FAVORITE TV SHOW? CSI, What Not To Wear, Project Runway
39. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Ketchup
40. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOG? Salad
41.NAME ONE PLACE YOU WOULD LOVE TO VISIT? Egypt
42. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? You know, I don't really know yet. I don't think it's the place, it's the people you were with.
43. WHAT SCREEN SAVER DO YOU HAVE? It's actually just a black screen.
44. BURGER KING OR McDonald's? Wendy's

It always confuses me how the people who write these can't count...

I stand here now
Completely open
Stripped of Pride
Of Joy
Of Fear
I offer something
I cannot explain
I offer you everything
My mind
My body
My spirit
My trust
My love
I ask little in return:
Please don't let it hurt.

It's impossible to explain this
Emotion
This feeling, this void
This insane gaping need that
Reaches beyond what I've
Ever felt.
Every though I could
Be capable of--
Love
Hatred
Passion
Lust
Disgust
Need
A dozen thoughts swimming within
Clouds of color and light
And fear swirling together.
Why do you do this to me?

I'm reaching out
To you
Groping Blindly through
The Velvet Darkness
I know you're here
Somewhere
I lost you
Long ago
But I can feel you in here
Somewhere
Are you as Scared
As I am?
I'm trying
To be strong
But I keep
Tripping
Stumbling
But I'm afraid
That I'm the only one
Here.

Currently Untitled

I don't know what to do
I need you
Like you need me
You have more of me
Than any other
Ever has

This should be
Easy
Why do we make it
So hard?

We're such different people
With different lives
We never should have
Found each other
Found this
Found us

This should be
Easy
Why do we make it
So hard?

I know I need you
And I know
You need me
But we can't
Need each other
Or
We'll never be
Whole

This should be
Easy

But leaving you...

I don't Know What Caused This Mood

"I turn mine eyes away... she was but a blinding glimmer of light and beauty and haze."

Once I was lost... my helplessness all that's left to guide my own.

"I still live face to face with someone I used to know... Do you remember now?"

"You act like you never noticed me... but I saw you smile... I'll never let you be a part of me. Do you remember now? You're not allowed to be a part of me..."

Stop pretending, we know better... Stop pretending, we know better... Stop pretending, we know better...


But I wasn't ever pretending... I always thought it was real...

Sometimes, My Dad's Voice is So Loud

I have a little voice in my head. The same little voice a lot of people have in their heads. Mine sounds like my father. It's an evil little voice. "You're fat. You're ugly. You're not good enough, you'll never be good enough. Why are you even trying? Nobody cares. You're worthless, you're useless, you're a lump who takes up space that someone of value could be using, why do you even bother? You even look like a lump, have you looked in the mirror lately? You've given up, even your eyes look dead. I'm glad you gave up, you're only making a fool of youself. Look at you. No one else does. Stop lying, stop pretending, stop trying. What's wrong with you? Other people make it work, why can't you? You're dumpy. You have bad skin. When's the last time you wore makeup? Are you going out like that? Nevermind, it won't make a difference."

Numb- Linkin Park
I'm tired of being what you want me to be/ feeling so faithless/lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me/put under the pressure/of walking in your shoes
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]

I've become so numb/I can't feel you there/I've become so tired/so much more aware/I'm becoming this/all I want to do/is be more like me/and be less like you.

Can't you see that you're smothering me/holding too tightly/afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be/is falling apart right in front of you.
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow],
Every step that I take is another mistake to you[caught in the undertow,just caught in the undertow]
And every second I waste is more than I can take.

I've become so numb/I can't feel you there/I've become so tired/so much more aware/I'm becoming this/all I want to do/is be more like me/and be less like you.

And I know/I may end up failing too/But I know/you were just like me/with someone disappointed in you.

I've become so numb/I can't feel you there/I've become so tired/so much more aware/I'm becoming this/all I want to do/is be more like me/and be less like/I've become so numb/I can't feel you there
[tired of being what you want me to be]

A Little Too Much Information

My little brother is living up to his name. Stupid Little Twit.

We spent more time talking tonight than we have in the entire three months he's been living with Jen and I.

Somehow, in this conversation, the topic of where he was going came up. Then, the topic of how many times he'd done what he was going out to do.

There are some things you just don't need to know about your little brother. I'm glad he trusts me, but... EEEWWW

So, Twit Didn't Get Me Sick

I went to the doctor today, and they ran tests and such. High Pulse, High Fever, High Blood Pressure, body aches, joint pain, cough, head congestion, sore throat, cough, and a bad smell in my throat.

They took blood, and a throat swap, and a urine test.

I have Strep Throat, and a Cold, and something that suprised me. The doctors think I have Rheumatoid Arthritis at 21 years old. I'll find out more on Tuesday.

Lunar Eclipse

Tonight is the lunar eclipse. A full lunar eclipse, right here in the North Americas, the last one until 2010. Jen's never seen one before, and Zillah was going to come down.

It's CLOUDED OVER!!

I didn't get to see it. I was so upset. But, I took Fyrecreek's advice, and went through with my plans, anyway.

It's charged. I'm cleansed, and finally dedicated.

There's no greater thrill than to call the East, and feel the wind respond. To draw down the moon, not just like any other day, but to feel it eclipse in your heart.

It was awesome.

I am Sick

My stupid little brother gave me his cold-flu-whatever-the-rest-of-the-student-body-is-passing-around.

There's Very Little

That's quite as stupid as Oklahoma weather.

Friday:35 degrees
Saturday:60 Degrees
Sunday:63 degrees
Monday Morning:65 degrees
Monday Night:37 degrees
Tuesday 4 AM: 35 degrees, Rain
Tuesday 5 AM: 39 degrees, hail
Tuesday 6:45 AM: 31 degrees, sleet
Tuesday 9:30 AM: 40 degrees, Rain
Tuesday 12:30 PM: 29 degrees, Rain
Tuesday 4:00 PM: 43 degrees, Snow
Tuesday 6:00 PM: 30 degrees, clear
Tuesday 8:28 PM: 18 degrees, clear here, snow in the middle of town, sleet on the east, rain on the west.

Man, I just love Oklahoma.

It's Odd

When your parents go from being you parents to being your friends.

Am I Odd?

Seriously. Am I?

I had a 40-something tell me today that I'm an odd person. Would you like to know why?

Because I care.

Yeah. She finds it odd that a 21-year-old cares about politics, and world issues. When I go shopping for little things, I take my cloth bag. When I go grocery shopping, I get paper bags whenever possible, and keep my plastic bags to reuse if they don't have paper. I pay an extra 2 cents to have electricity powered by the windmills from the windmill farm my house is located in the middle of. I vote. Not only do I vote, I research candidates, their voting records, their histories and platforms, and try to find the person I think can do the best job. I do volunteer work, and am concerned about social security disappearing at an alarming rate. Even though I don't plan to have children, I'm worried about the direction and world my friends' and families' children live and move in. I'm concerned for the American men and women dying in countries I'll probably never be welcome in, and wish we could help in countries like Darfur, where no one is welcome. I hold the belief that social responsibility should outweigh social status, and that being middle class but liking yourself and volunteering at a soup kitchen makes you a more valuable person than someone with insane amounts of wealth who owns 16 cars, but doesn't know the name of the person he pays weekly to wash them.

I want to find a way to take care of our resources. I think we need to decrease the global population (not using drastic measures), teach our children to be kinder, gentler, more open-minded, and smarter about the decisions they makes, work to help people in need, and learn to accept what life throws at us. I want everyone to find what makes them happy, and do it, even if it's just a weekend picnic to watch kids play. I want people to value artistic expression as must as they value athletic abilities, and to welcome the ideas and opinions of others as much as we like to talk about ours.

But mostly, I just want us all to be good people.

And apparently, that makes me odd.

Life Got a Little Busy

It's odd. Just the other day, my parents where harping on me to get busy, and make new friends.

And somehow, I've unintentionally managed to fill every spare minutes of my next week with those plans.

It's crazy when the Universe decides to give you everything you've asked for, all at one time.

The Battle of the Sexes

I'm taking an Interpersonal Communication class this semester, that's all about how to communicate intimately with people. She regularly divides us up into groups, and has us self-disclose, about our cultural differences, or our thoughts on her information, or communication issues in our lives. She's teach us how to speak where people can understand you, and how to be good listeners, while giving thoughtful advice. (I bet Fyrecreek'd do great in this class. She wouldn't even have to read the book. Overachiever;) )

Anyway, last week, she had us divide into groups of five and list all the different cultures and subcultures we belonged to. We had an Apache-Mormon, an Anglo-Christian-Bisexual-Democrat, a Palestinian-Muslim-Conservative, a Anglo-German-Catholic-Republican, and a Choctaw-Pagan-Independent. Couldn't have told us apart, couldn't have known who was what. It was awesome to see the diversity in our group, and insane to see all the differences in our class of 20.

Today, though. Today, she split the class by sex. She sent to boys to a room with a blue piece of paper, and the girls to a room with a pink piece of paper. Then, she asked us to write down every complaint we had about the opposite sex.

The girls set to work. 5 minutes, and we had three pieces of paper covered in writing. 5 minutes, and the boys had 3/4 of a page. Here are some highlights, in order of appearance, in the same size font as the paper:

Boys-
Girls never make their own decisions
Girls judge us by our appearance, not our personality.
Girls put too many details into their stories.
Girls interrupt the football game.
Girls are egocentric.
Girls have no self esteem.
Girls are too picky.
Girls take forever to get ready.
Girls have too many emotions.
Girls cry over everything.
Girls blame everything on PMS.*

Girls-
It's not always PMS--You're Just an Idiot.*
Guys leave to toilet seat up.
Guy pretend to listen.
Guys call us babe, they never use our name
LIKING SEX DOES NOT MAKE ME A SLUT
If you're going to bring home lingerie, please bring home my size.
Guys never want to talk.
Please put down the video game long enough to say "Hi".
If you ask us how our day was, don't just say "Yeah...uh-huh...That's great."
Why did chivalry die?
Burping and farting is great bonding with your guy friends. I don't have a penis.
Guys never make plans.
Chocolate, Flowers, and jewelry are not the magic fix-all.
Spontanity is planning to do something fun, then seeing where it goes. It is not, "Ah, crap, what can I make up and make it seem planned."
Hanging out with the guys? That's great. Have fun. Hanging out with the guys at a strip club. At least tell me the truth, don't lie and get caught later.
You flirting is fine. I laugh at another guy's joke? It starts WWIII.
Of course I'm always right. Life'll be easier when you figure that out.
You complain we have no self-esteem, but you judge us by our clothes, our faces, our lips, our boobs, our waists, our hair, and porn.
You will carry the trash to the counter, but refuse to actually place it in the wastebasket.
If we buy the wrong kind of beer, it's a catastrophe. Somehow, it's perfectly acceptable for you to not know the difference between a pad and a tampon.
We love you. Why are you so damned hard to live with?



(* These two were written completely independent of each other, without having seen the other sex's paper. They are also listed in correct order, and size, and resulted in the longest arguement. anyone else laughing?)

A Little Lost

Fall '08 semester was really hard for me. I lost a fiance, my best friends all moved, I went to work 40 hours a week, took 19 hours of class.



I know, there are people who have it worse, and do better. People who climb mountains. People who conquer.



I fell flat on my face.

Thursday night, my semester grades came in. Four W's, four F's. No credit for semester. I absented out. Too much working until 1 am and staying up, winding down, and working on homework til 4 or 5.

My parents called, and asked me to come home so they could talk to me. They said they're taking my financial support away. They said they were disappointed. But mostly, they said they were worried. I seemed lost, and scared, and unhappy.

And they're right, because I was. And, I still am a little. I now have three choices. Go back to work full time, go to school and work full time, or find something else.

They told me to find what makes me happy. They told me to like myself, and whatever I find, they'll support it.

Where do I start?

Tomorrow's gonna Suck

A lot.

Please send all the strength you can muster. I'm gonna need it.

A little Complicated

Ice cream drumsticks and Dove chocolate do wonders for soothing a bruised heart.

Friends can heal even the most beaten soul.

Fyrecreek, I hope Tuesday goes well.

Willow, I don't know eveything that's going on, but you've handled more in your 28 years than most do in a lifetime. Listen to her, she'll guide you well. Take a lesson from her, though. It's ok to sit back, to be kind and soft-spoken, and handle things gentle, but sometime... Well, fire always gets people's attention.

Eating Right Shouldn't Be This Hard

Someone please explain to me why I can get a 1/4 lb cheesburger, Large fries, and a Large drink for the price of a single grilled chicken sandwich. It's no harder to make. I know, I did it for four months.

This frustrates me to no end. Why can I get a 16 oz can of processed, preserved, canned corn for half the price of a single untouched ear? Why is highly processed bread that's gone through so many different stripping machine that they actually have to enrich it (aka, put back in the minerals and vitamins they took out) 97 cents, and a loaf of whole-grain bread (that actually took less time, less money, and less marketing) is $3.22? Why can I buy an entire bag of pre-fried, frozen, double-breaded chicken nuggets for less than I can buy a cornish hen?

If Obesity is the "Great American Epidemic," why does the government tax us on fruits and vegetables? Rather than making us pay $9,995 for a lap-band procedure (an actual commercial I heard on the radio), why not just lower the price of Kashi? My state has recently started the "March Toward A Million" website, encouraging our entire state to lose over a million pounds in '08. That's great! I think it's a fantastic step. Support is always welcome. You really want to make a difference? Offer a 30% discount at sportware stores. Bring in a company that ACTUALLY SELLS (and I mean have-on-hand, not order-and-it'll-be-here-next-week) a sports bra bigger than a D cup. Hell, while we're at it, offer a discount card for new clothing for people who've lost 5-10% of their body weight (so long as their doctor certifies that weight loss is healthy).

So long as someone maintains a 30 minute, three-days-a-week schedule at the gym, why not cut their membership fees in half. Or offer free yoga classes in the part. Or have the state-run universities offer free line dance or salsa classes one a week.

The cost of twenty pounds=
an extra 50$ a month in groceries
20$ in gas to go back and forth to the gym
35$ for a sports bra
35$ for workout clothes (because of the extra material)
20$ for running shoes

Still up in the air whether or not I'll be able to alter my clothes, so that'll they'll continue to fit and stop looking like I'm wearing a sack, cause goddess knows I can't afford a new wardrobe.

I like me. I like where I'm at. I love that my heart's healthier, I love that my diabetes risk has gone down, I love that I can wear my skinny jeans again.

I don't understand why it's so hard for politicians and doctors who swear I'm a shining example...

To do something to help those of us who're trying, to stay on track.

I Met My New LandLord Today

His name is Stacy.

Stacy is about 30 years old, is married, and owns a house about ten miles down the rode, but his oilfield company currently has him stationed in California. He'll be moving back in a few years, and wants to own some land, so he bought the ranch my trailerhouse is located on. He bought the place blind, and came to see his 16 acres today.

He seems like a very nice person. He was very impressed with the work we've done to the house, and the way it looks now. He's concerned about the stuff we're concerned about (like the neighbors dogs that attacked? us the other day), and has promised to fix whatever he can, within a reasonable amount of time.

What's wrong with the house:
Front door leaks air from all four sides (jerry-rigged until carpenters arrive)
Living room light fixture= wires hanging from ceiling
Molded ceiling tiles all over house (sealed until can be replaced)
Furnace used 150 gallons of propane in two weeks (replacement part ordered)
Carpet has no seams. At all.
Twit's room has hole in floor. (fixed enough)
All light sockets on east wall do not work
Porch Light does not work
Second Bath has missing ceiling tiles
Oven does not work
Kitchen faucet leaks
Both toilets do not work (We fixed)
Master Bath floor vents busted
Jen's storm window busted
Lawn overgrown (mowed, pulled weeds)

A trip to the City

You'll never guess what I did today.

Ok, maybe you will. Jen and I have the same day off, and Zillah didn't get to come down yesterday because she was sick, so she asked us to come up today. So, we did.

We went up about 4:00, and I took Jen to see my favorite make-up store, and then we went to our favorite clothes store to try on dresses.

Somehow, somewhere, she and I have picked up this weird little let-loose thing. We try on dresses. We don't have to have money, because we're not really looking to buy a dress unless it's majorly on sale, or we fall in love. Really, we just go through, and find stuff that's fun, or pretty, or summer-y, or really, really, terribly horrificly ugly dresses. And we laugh. A lot.

Then, we went to eat dinner, and then Jen and Zillah and I went to eat dinner. And we wrote Jen's phone number on a napkin, and left it for the waiter. She almost killed us. It was great.

So, I'm in a good mood today.

I'm A Little Jealous

And maybe it makes me a bad person, but I can't help it. It's not just me, it's Jen and Jesse and Zillah, too, but mostly me and Zillah. My friend, Kris, has fallen in love.

It's really vey cute. She and this guy, Mike, dated her junior and senior year of high school. At the time, she was very religious, and believed God was telling her that she wasn't supposed to marry him, because she'd meet her new husband in college, so... She dumped him. Told him what God had said, and walked away.

-Fast-forward to two years later- He's in a relationship with another girl, very unhappy. She's alone, and regretting her mistake. On New Year's Eve, while she's home for christmas, she's hanging out at her friend's house, when who should appear but Mike, carrying a pillow and his toothbrush. He and his girlfriend had had a major fight, can he sleep here tonight?

Somewhere around 3am, he joked with Kris about taking her back, and she responds, "I'd take you back if you'd let me..." Oh joyous day!! They've been inseperable since, even though she's living three hours away. Both of them have been unhappy, and all of their other relationships have failed... because they were still in love with each other, and no one could measure up.

And my goddess, are they perfect for each other! They're both SO VERY WEIRD... and somehow manage to balance each other out. They've picked out an engagement ring, but are waiting until April, after her sister gets married, to make it official.

See why we're jealous?

Religious Tolerance

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080116/ap_on_re_us/school_athlete_muslim_clothing

This article upsets me. In a time when we push to put prayer back in schools, when a Muslim-born man can run for president, when a Wiccan symbol is now recognized by the military for tombstones, when we are at the peak of what's considered our Golden Age of Religious Tolerance...

Why can't the muslim girl be allowed to practice her beliefs?

I see no way that the unitard could have enhanced her performance. She complied with the other regulations, about matching the rest of her team, by wearing track shorts and and a t-shirt (I'm sure that was cumbersome).

And the official that says he offered her several options to keep from being disqualified? It sounds like a bunch of bull to me. None of the options he offered her really changed the problem at all. Wearing and extra t-shirt? Turning the unitard inside out? Pffft. Oooo, that makes such a difference.

And even knowing that she refused to comply with the offered solutions, rather than disqualify her on the spot, they let her run. Only after she won two seperate events, did we get around to disqualifying her.

The NCLA is going to have a field day with this one. And for once, I can't say that I blame them.

Batlle of the Roll

My dad and I have a very tenious relationship. It ranges from very good to very bad, depending on things. Like apologizing. My father cannot apologize. It breaks him. (I also have a hard time apologizing, because it means I was wrong, and I HATE to be wrong, but I will swallow my pride if I have to.) So, rather than apologize for being wrong, or hurting someone's feelings (particularly his children), he gives presents. Growing up, when my Dad lost his temper and yelled, a few days later, we would get a present. It was never wrapped, or expressed that, "I'm sorry, I thought of you, I thought you might like this, let's never fight again", but we knew.

Specific Example: Two years ago, when I still played golf, I had an appointment with my swing coach in the city on a Saturday at 3:00pm. That Friday night was also this huge event on-campus, that culminated in a concert with Brian McComis performing. At the time, I was the lead reporter for the campus paper, so I got to interview him. It was awesome. I'd been telling my parents for weeks about it, fretting over questions and outfits and such. The concert started at 7:00pm. So, because of the time stuff, I was going to leave early on Saturday morning and meet Mom, Dad, Ty, and my coach.


At 6:30, my Dad called. "We decided to come up and stay the night int the city. Come meet us!" Dad, I can't. I've got to cover this story. "Well, your interview is before the show. Just leave from there." Dad, I have to cover the SHOW, not just the interview.

It ended up a screaming match. I stayed, and did the resposible thing, and met my parents the next day. Dad spent the whole day looking guilty, and before I left, he gave me a $50 bill. "Use that to get gas and buy nice dinner on the way home."


So, the point of this story? A while ago, Dad mentioned I had gained so much weight, he thought I was pregnant. Now that I've lost some weight, I was teasing him about how I look pregnant, because none of my clothes fit, and it looks like I'm wearing maternity pants. Hence, the 100 dollars a few days ago.

Still not sure if I'm mad at him for that.

Oy Vay

You know, it should not be this hard to post.

My computer died again. We don't know what's wrong this time. It won't even turn on. So, hopefully, that'll get fixed again soon, and I can go back to daily posting.

My two little kittes had to leave, to go live with Uncle Jackie and Aunt Sharon. But, the two dogs are living with us, so...

I was so excited. I got to go shopping the other day. Since we started the weight loss thing on the forums in Sept.-Oct.-somewhere-in-there, I've managed to lose about twenty pounds. Yay, me! Of course, that means my clothes don't fit anymore, so Mom and Dad "rewarded"* me with a hundred dollars with which to buy new pants and shirts. I like my new stuff. Especially since the all say 18 on the tag, instead of 22.

Yay, me!





(* It may not have exactly been "reward" money, it may just have been, "Here, you haven't had new clothes in three years" money, but... Pissed off about it anyway. That's a longer post than I have time to type out.)

Did You Miss Me?

Cause, I missed you!!

I'm back, finally! I'm moved, I got my computer back, and I have internet.

My house was a wreck whem I moved in. It hadn't been cleaned, so we had to clean in for 200 dollars off our rent. The front door had daylight pouring in around all four sides, my little brother's room had a hole in the floor, our outlets don't work, the toilet in the secondary bathroom was broken, Jen's room had a broken window, the living room lights don't work, my oven doesn't work, the central heating has some PMS moments... But I love it. We have space, in the country, in a house that we're turning into our home.

We also got a pair of kittens, little black fluffy ones with whisps of white on their legs, named Athena and Artemis.

Class started today. I think I'll like it. I found work at McDonalds here. Worked two days, won't go back. Looking for a new job, but really happy here. Really Happy.

Finally.