Something I pride myself on is living my life without regrets. Don’t do things you’ll know you regret, don’t regret the mistakes you’ve made, don’t regret the things that are out of your hands, don’t miss out on things you’ll regret not doing.

It’s a very complicated mentality, and makes me a very complicated person with a very complicated set of morals. Toss my religion in there, and I’m all kinds of difficult and multi-faceted.

That’s not where I was headed with this. I was talking about regrets. I don’t regret any of my choices. I don’t regret High School, I don’t regret Dodge City, I don’t regret Northwestern. I don’t regret the choices that led to my assault, I don’t regret the friends who’ve disappeared. I don’t regret my time with Bodie, I don’t regret how it ended.

So where am I going with this?

There is a movie/play, called RENT. There is a song sang at some very pivotal points of that movie. It kills me everytime I hear. It literally breaks me open, hurts so deep I don’t think there’ll be anything left when it’s over. But, it’s a song I love, because it’s so close to how I feel, to how I live, to what’s going on right now.

It’s sung by people with HIV/AIDS, about trying to go through life, making choices, doing the day-by-day routine.

Will I lose my dignity/Will someone care/Will I wake tomorrow/From this nightmare?
There’s only us/There’s only this/Forget Regret/Or life is yours to miss
No other road/No other way/No day but today

I don’t have AIDS (thank God for small favors, all things considered). I can’t imagine what that would be like.

I did have cancer, though. Cervical cancer, early stages, given to me by my attacker. We’ve treated, and treated. They think they’ve gotten all of it, as of a year ago. Last week, I had my one-year check-up. They tell me if this one comes back clean, there is a very good chance it’ll never come back again.

I’m terrified. What if it’s gone? What if it’s not? Do I have to go through all this again? Do I tell my family this time? Can I put my friends through all of that again?

I’m so scared.