Time for my birthday tradition.
I want... An unlimited supply of Braum's Frozen Yogurt. Twist, please.
I want... My front door fixed
I want... To sleep more. Well, maybe not. I'd settle for sleeping less, but more efficiently.
I want... To visit my grandparents. And some dear friends of mine, that'll I'll probably never actually see.
I want... To feel with every fiber of my body. It doesn't have to feel good, I just need to know that I can.
I want... To be happy with myself.
I want... To see the good in others.
I want... To be purposefully passionate.
I want... To stop hiding everything. Or, to get so good at it, I don't know I'm hiding.
I want... To come to terms with judgement. People will judge; I must learn to weed through the ones that I can't change.
I want... My bills paid off. Even just my student loans. I don't need EVERYTHING paid off, just those. Please?
I want... Violence to stop.
I want... Women to rule the world! Oh, wait. We already do... very subtly.
I want... To find someplace to volunteer.
I want... To ache for all that is good, and find some way to make it better.
I want... To do something meaningful.
I want... To change the world. Slowly. Overnight.
I want... To change someone. Preferably, for the better.
I want... Our air conditioning to work. Cheaply.
I want... Someone to snuggle with. Male or female, I'm not picky. Just someone to cuddle against on my bad days.
I want... The price of Gas to go back down. 98 cents a gallon would be awesome...
I want... I want something.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
My Birthday is Tomorrow
Well, not exactly. It's actually on Sunday, but we're celebrating tomorrow, since we all work Sunday.
We're going to the waterpark in the city, and maybe the amusuement park. Then we'll eat at a cheap resturaunt, and return home. Zillah, Jen, Kris, and I. Just the girls, with no boys along for the ride.
It should be lots of fun, but let's face it: It's not what I wanted to do. I was informed it was what we were going to do with no say-so. It's not that I don't want to go, or that I don't think it will be fun, ut there are other things I'd rather do instead. Aside from that, I'm purchasing my own ticket into said park, paying to store the cooler of water and to park, and paying for my dinner at a very cheap resturaunt because everyone else is flat broke. We're taking my car, and I'm paying for gas.
There will be no presents this year, from anyone, and no cake on my birthday.
I sound selfish, I know.
But, I kind of wish someone had asked me what I wanted, you know?
We're going to the waterpark in the city, and maybe the amusuement park. Then we'll eat at a cheap resturaunt, and return home. Zillah, Jen, Kris, and I. Just the girls, with no boys along for the ride.
It should be lots of fun, but let's face it: It's not what I wanted to do. I was informed it was what we were going to do with no say-so. It's not that I don't want to go, or that I don't think it will be fun, ut there are other things I'd rather do instead. Aside from that, I'm purchasing my own ticket into said park, paying to store the cooler of water and to park, and paying for my dinner at a very cheap resturaunt because everyone else is flat broke. We're taking my car, and I'm paying for gas.
There will be no presents this year, from anyone, and no cake on my birthday.
I sound selfish, I know.
But, I kind of wish someone had asked me what I wanted, you know?
Friday, May 23, 2008
A Day Off
Yesterday and today were the first two days I've had off in a row since Feb., when I started working for WalMart.
But, today was also special, since it's the day when all three of the girls living in my house are off together. This morning we cleaned my room, ate pizza, did laundry. This afternoon, we did our nails, watched Adam Sandler movies, and talked about various odd stuff our ex-boyfriends have done/been interested in. We also ate through the good parts of an assorted chocolate box, and had a grilled cheese and turkey sandwich. Then, we sat on Kris's blazer and watched the storms blow in. We topped it off with more laundry and two hours of America's Funniest Home Videos.
I love lazy days, and I've missed my friends. Now all I need is Zillah to be closer, off on Thursdays, and a few friends I know well but haven't met in person to be a lot closer, and things'll be perfect.
But, today was also special, since it's the day when all three of the girls living in my house are off together. This morning we cleaned my room, ate pizza, did laundry. This afternoon, we did our nails, watched Adam Sandler movies, and talked about various odd stuff our ex-boyfriends have done/been interested in. We also ate through the good parts of an assorted chocolate box, and had a grilled cheese and turkey sandwich. Then, we sat on Kris's blazer and watched the storms blow in. We topped it off with more laundry and two hours of America's Funniest Home Videos.
I love lazy days, and I've missed my friends. Now all I need is Zillah to be closer, off on Thursdays, and a few friends I know well but haven't met in person to be a lot closer, and things'll be perfect.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Oh My God...
So, a few weeks ago, I got a bike. It's a very cool bike, but I hadn't gotten to ride it until today. Jen got on her bike, and I got on mine, and we went for a 3 1/2 mile joy ride through town to test it out.
I need to raise the handlebars, and I will definately have to figure out a water bottle, but it's awesome otherwise.
But seriously, I forgot how out of shape I am. My knees and hip were on fire by the time we got to town. I'm glad summer has come. Hopefully by the MidSummer, I'll be in shape enough to ride my bike to work, and save on gas!
I need to raise the handlebars, and I will definately have to figure out a water bottle, but it's awesome otherwise.
But seriously, I forgot how out of shape I am. My knees and hip were on fire by the time we got to town. I'm glad summer has come. Hopefully by the MidSummer, I'll be in shape enough to ride my bike to work, and save on gas!
Pahaw
I'd like to tell you all a story, if you have the time. A story about two people, called Mahaw and Pahaw.
Mahaw and Pahaw are two wonderful, amazing people. They are known for being good, strong, sturdy people with morals and old-fashioned work-ethic, as well as great friends. They've never met a stranger, and treat everyone they meet like family. Their grandkids' friends are their grandkids, too, and their house is always open to any 7th-cousin-by-marriage-twice-removed who might come through town. They come from a generation that quit high school before they graduated, because the family farms needed tending, and Great-Granddad needed helping keeping his carpentry business alive. The entire community they come from knows them as Mahaw and Pahaw, Inyanna's grandparents.
Pahaw was diagnosed with Tuberculosis when Inyanna was in eighth grade. The doctor’s don’t know where he contracted it, but they knew it would kill him if they didn’t do something, so they gave him poison, masquerading as medicine, to kill the disease hiding in his lungs. The problem was, the medicine they gave him to heal him wasn’t picky about was it poisoned. It almost killed him, and he’s never been the same since. He doesn’t heal as quickly, or as fully, as he used to. He’s just a little slower, a little more worn. You'd never know if you met him, though.
In 2005, he had a heart attack, and an emergency quadruple bypass. Six months of recovery, and he was good as new, working at a cement plant and riding his Red Wing Motorcycle across the state with motorcycle gang (all of whom are over 55) with his lady sitting on the back, and Rving to every lake in Oklahoma with his buddies each summer.
This fall, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The doctors have given him a good prognosis so far, and they've started chemo. But, the doctor and gas are expensive, so they're having to move. Mahaw had to quit her job to take care of him. Now, lively, wonderful Pahaw, who used to ride motorcycles and build houses and fry Thanksgiving turkeys is a tired man with hollows under his eyes, who falls asleep in front of the TV because it takes to much to walk to the bedroom to sleep at night. Their funds are exhausted, he's exhuasted, and the doctors are afraid that the cancer might have spread to his bone marrow or his lymph nodes.
If that happens, there won't be much they can do for Inyanna’s Pahaw. He's just too weak, and been through too much, for them to safely do much more than they already are. They've told Mahaw, and their daughter, my Mom, and me, but they haven't told him yet. They’re afraid if they tell him, he'll stop fighting, and he has to fight the chemo, or the dosage is high enough, it might kill him.
But Pahaw knows. He's known longer than anyone else has. He's been trying to prepare his family for this for a while, and they've pushed it away. He's always been the rock, the strength, the fixer, the wisdom and the discipline. No one wanted to know.
This would be so much easier for everyone if it were just a story. There is nothing I wouldn’t give right now to make it just a story, just words on a paper, that I can push a button and delete if I don’t like the wording or the ending.
But I woke up this morning and realized it was a reality.
So, you can see, this is difficult for everyone now. Mom's not taking it well that she’s going to lose her Daddy, and Mahaw's stretched too thin with time and worry and money. My little brother is oblivious, and my Dad's a funeral director, so he's helping Pahaw with plans.
Anything you can offer them, any peace, or hope, or wishes for acceptance, they could all sure use.
Thank you all, so much.
Love, Light, and Laughter,
Inyanna
Mahaw and Pahaw are two wonderful, amazing people. They are known for being good, strong, sturdy people with morals and old-fashioned work-ethic, as well as great friends. They've never met a stranger, and treat everyone they meet like family. Their grandkids' friends are their grandkids, too, and their house is always open to any 7th-cousin-by-marriage-twice-removed who might come through town. They come from a generation that quit high school before they graduated, because the family farms needed tending, and Great-Granddad needed helping keeping his carpentry business alive. The entire community they come from knows them as Mahaw and Pahaw, Inyanna's grandparents.
Pahaw was diagnosed with Tuberculosis when Inyanna was in eighth grade. The doctor’s don’t know where he contracted it, but they knew it would kill him if they didn’t do something, so they gave him poison, masquerading as medicine, to kill the disease hiding in his lungs. The problem was, the medicine they gave him to heal him wasn’t picky about was it poisoned. It almost killed him, and he’s never been the same since. He doesn’t heal as quickly, or as fully, as he used to. He’s just a little slower, a little more worn. You'd never know if you met him, though.
In 2005, he had a heart attack, and an emergency quadruple bypass. Six months of recovery, and he was good as new, working at a cement plant and riding his Red Wing Motorcycle across the state with motorcycle gang (all of whom are over 55) with his lady sitting on the back, and Rving to every lake in Oklahoma with his buddies each summer.
This fall, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The doctors have given him a good prognosis so far, and they've started chemo. But, the doctor and gas are expensive, so they're having to move. Mahaw had to quit her job to take care of him. Now, lively, wonderful Pahaw, who used to ride motorcycles and build houses and fry Thanksgiving turkeys is a tired man with hollows under his eyes, who falls asleep in front of the TV because it takes to much to walk to the bedroom to sleep at night. Their funds are exhausted, he's exhuasted, and the doctors are afraid that the cancer might have spread to his bone marrow or his lymph nodes.
If that happens, there won't be much they can do for Inyanna’s Pahaw. He's just too weak, and been through too much, for them to safely do much more than they already are. They've told Mahaw, and their daughter, my Mom, and me, but they haven't told him yet. They’re afraid if they tell him, he'll stop fighting, and he has to fight the chemo, or the dosage is high enough, it might kill him.
But Pahaw knows. He's known longer than anyone else has. He's been trying to prepare his family for this for a while, and they've pushed it away. He's always been the rock, the strength, the fixer, the wisdom and the discipline. No one wanted to know.
This would be so much easier for everyone if it were just a story. There is nothing I wouldn’t give right now to make it just a story, just words on a paper, that I can push a button and delete if I don’t like the wording or the ending.
But I woke up this morning and realized it was a reality.
So, you can see, this is difficult for everyone now. Mom's not taking it well that she’s going to lose her Daddy, and Mahaw's stretched too thin with time and worry and money. My little brother is oblivious, and my Dad's a funeral director, so he's helping Pahaw with plans.
Anything you can offer them, any peace, or hope, or wishes for acceptance, they could all sure use.
Thank you all, so much.
Love, Light, and Laughter,
Inyanna
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Something I pride myself on is living my life without regrets. Don’t do things you’ll know you regret, don’t regret the mistakes you’ve made, don’t regret the things that are out of your hands, don’t miss out on things you’ll regret not doing.
It’s a very complicated mentality, and makes me a very complicated person with a very complicated set of morals. Toss my religion in there, and I’m all kinds of difficult and multi-faceted.
That’s not where I was headed with this. I was talking about regrets. I don’t regret any of my choices. I don’t regret High School, I don’t regret Dodge City, I don’t regret Northwestern. I don’t regret the choices that led to my assault, I don’t regret the friends who’ve disappeared. I don’t regret my time with Bodie, I don’t regret how it ended.
So where am I going with this?
There is a movie/play, called RENT. There is a song sang at some very pivotal points of that movie. It kills me everytime I hear. It literally breaks me open, hurts so deep I don’t think there’ll be anything left when it’s over. But, it’s a song I love, because it’s so close to how I feel, to how I live, to what’s going on right now.
It’s sung by people with HIV/AIDS, about trying to go through life, making choices, doing the day-by-day routine.
Will I lose my dignity/Will someone care/Will I wake tomorrow/From this nightmare?
There’s only us/There’s only this/Forget Regret/Or life is yours to miss
No other road/No other way/No day but today
I don’t have AIDS (thank God for small favors, all things considered). I can’t imagine what that would be like.
I did have cancer, though. Cervical cancer, early stages, given to me by my attacker. We’ve treated, and treated. They think they’ve gotten all of it, as of a year ago. Last week, I had my one-year check-up. They tell me if this one comes back clean, there is a very good chance it’ll never come back again.
I’m terrified. What if it’s gone? What if it’s not? Do I have to go through all this again? Do I tell my family this time? Can I put my friends through all of that again?
I’m so scared.
It’s a very complicated mentality, and makes me a very complicated person with a very complicated set of morals. Toss my religion in there, and I’m all kinds of difficult and multi-faceted.
That’s not where I was headed with this. I was talking about regrets. I don’t regret any of my choices. I don’t regret High School, I don’t regret Dodge City, I don’t regret Northwestern. I don’t regret the choices that led to my assault, I don’t regret the friends who’ve disappeared. I don’t regret my time with Bodie, I don’t regret how it ended.
So where am I going with this?
There is a movie/play, called RENT. There is a song sang at some very pivotal points of that movie. It kills me everytime I hear. It literally breaks me open, hurts so deep I don’t think there’ll be anything left when it’s over. But, it’s a song I love, because it’s so close to how I feel, to how I live, to what’s going on right now.
It’s sung by people with HIV/AIDS, about trying to go through life, making choices, doing the day-by-day routine.
Will I lose my dignity/Will someone care/Will I wake tomorrow/From this nightmare?
There’s only us/There’s only this/Forget Regret/Or life is yours to miss
No other road/No other way/No day but today
I don’t have AIDS (thank God for small favors, all things considered). I can’t imagine what that would be like.
I did have cancer, though. Cervical cancer, early stages, given to me by my attacker. We’ve treated, and treated. They think they’ve gotten all of it, as of a year ago. Last week, I had my one-year check-up. They tell me if this one comes back clean, there is a very good chance it’ll never come back again.
I’m terrified. What if it’s gone? What if it’s not? Do I have to go through all this again? Do I tell my family this time? Can I put my friends through all of that again?
I’m so scared.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Happy Birthday
Meet Zoey. She's our newest addition to the family. Jen's 21st birthday is coming up, and she's desperately wanted a puppy for the longest time. So, we got her one.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
I Always Hate These, But I Haven't Done One in a While
1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? Mine are green, Jen's are blue, Ty's are black, and Kris's are white.
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Heaven and Earth by Nora Roberts
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Life, Clue
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Cosmo!!
6. FAVORITE SMELL? Jasmine, and Magnolia
7 FAVORITE MOVIE? It changes by day. But, if National Treasure is on, it doesn't matter what else is, that's what we're watching.
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Why.. won't ... you stop... buzzing...Ha! ZzzzzzZz
9. FAVORITE COLOR? Emerald
10. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? Grey
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Two vibrates and a ring
12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? I'm not naming something I don't plan on having. That's asking for trouble.
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Passion.
14. FAVORITE SOUND? Talking to someone who's smiling. You can always tell.
15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? chocolate
16. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No. But, I have a dog, and she thinks she has to be on the bed.
17. DO YOU KNOW CPR? I know the old style, but I haven't taken the re-up class that's teaching the new method
18. STORMS COOL OR SCARY? I like them, but I'm afraid of thunder. It's loud.
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1986 Deep red Pontiac Firebird five-speed stick shift. My car rocked.
20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? Elizabeth I
21. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? White Russians
22. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN AND YOUR BIRTHDAY? Gemini, May 25
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? I actually prefer the stems to the florets/
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? An internationally acclaimed plus-size clothing designer
25. ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Blood Red, tipped with gold.
26. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes
27. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? Who drank my lemonade? I just poured that...
28. FAVORITE DINNER? Filet Mignon, but I can't afford that. I'm in college.
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? There are right keys?
30. YOUR FAVORITE AGE SO FAR? I don't think I've gotten there yet?
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 19 and 23
32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? baseball or football or golf or hockey or basketball or cheerleading or dance or rugby or cricket or extreme sports or skateboarding or skating or figure skating or... I just like sports
33. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? Turning into the pregnant out to HERE chick with overalls, a baby on one hip, kids crawling all over the shanty, and cars up on cinder blocks with grass grown over the windows yellin "Ya'll git yur country hides in hur NAW!"
37. FAVORITE ARTIST? what kind of art? Recording artist, actress, performance artist, media art, visual arts, dance, ballet?
38. FAVORITE TV SHOW? CSI, What Not To Wear, Project Runway
39. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Ketchup
40. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOG? Salad
41.NAME ONE PLACE YOU WOULD LOVE TO VISIT? Egypt
42. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? You know, I don't really know yet. I don't think it's the place, it's the people you were with.
43. WHAT SCREEN SAVER DO YOU HAVE? It's actually just a black screen.
44. BURGER KING OR McDonald's? Wendy's
It always confuses me how the people who write these can't count...
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Heaven and Earth by Nora Roberts
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Life, Clue
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Cosmo!!
6. FAVORITE SMELL? Jasmine, and Magnolia
7 FAVORITE MOVIE? It changes by day. But, if National Treasure is on, it doesn't matter what else is, that's what we're watching.
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Why.. won't ... you stop... buzzing...Ha! ZzzzzzZz
9. FAVORITE COLOR? Emerald
10. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? Grey
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Two vibrates and a ring
12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? I'm not naming something I don't plan on having. That's asking for trouble.
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Passion.
14. FAVORITE SOUND? Talking to someone who's smiling. You can always tell.
15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? chocolate
16. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No. But, I have a dog, and she thinks she has to be on the bed.
17. DO YOU KNOW CPR? I know the old style, but I haven't taken the re-up class that's teaching the new method
18. STORMS COOL OR SCARY? I like them, but I'm afraid of thunder. It's loud.
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1986 Deep red Pontiac Firebird five-speed stick shift. My car rocked.
20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? Elizabeth I
21. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? White Russians
22. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN AND YOUR BIRTHDAY? Gemini, May 25
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? I actually prefer the stems to the florets/
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? An internationally acclaimed plus-size clothing designer
25. ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Blood Red, tipped with gold.
26. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes
27. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? Who drank my lemonade? I just poured that...
28. FAVORITE DINNER? Filet Mignon, but I can't afford that. I'm in college.
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? There are right keys?
30. YOUR FAVORITE AGE SO FAR? I don't think I've gotten there yet?
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 19 and 23
32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? baseball or football or golf or hockey or basketball or cheerleading or dance or rugby or cricket or extreme sports or skateboarding or skating or figure skating or... I just like sports
33. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? Turning into the pregnant out to HERE chick with overalls, a baby on one hip, kids crawling all over the shanty, and cars up on cinder blocks with grass grown over the windows yellin "Ya'll git yur country hides in hur NAW!"
37. FAVORITE ARTIST? what kind of art? Recording artist, actress, performance artist, media art, visual arts, dance, ballet?
38. FAVORITE TV SHOW? CSI, What Not To Wear, Project Runway
39. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Ketchup
40. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOG? Salad
41.NAME ONE PLACE YOU WOULD LOVE TO VISIT? Egypt
42. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? You know, I don't really know yet. I don't think it's the place, it's the people you were with.
43. WHAT SCREEN SAVER DO YOU HAVE? It's actually just a black screen.
44. BURGER KING OR McDonald's? Wendy's
It always confuses me how the people who write these can't count...
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