I've Been Missing Him Today

After yesterday's post, I started listening to some of Bonnie McKee's music. Her album Trouble is one of my favorite female albulms ever.

Anyway, one of her songs is called Sensitive Subject Matter. A girl's boyfriend has just broken up with her, but calls her his best friend, tells her he doesn't want to lose her, and asks her for her advice about another girl he'd like to date.

Baby it's you,
That kept my feet on the ground,
Thought that I could choose,
If I always wanted you around,
Darling I do,
Think we need time apart,
I still need time to mend my broken seams.


He meant so much to me. He was my present, my future, my strength, my weakness. He loved me for what I was now, not what I could be. He swore he saw beauty, even in my flaws. He held me when I couldn't hold myself up, and I held him when losing his Grandmother was too hard. I loved him, I supported him, neither one of us walked in front of the other, we walked side by side, but neither one of us was afraid to stand in front and lead when the other didn't know where we were going.

When he left, it had been six months in the making. Aside from the goodbye kiss, I don't remember hugs, kisses, snuggling, holding hands since Christmas. I don't remember sex after February. We felt more like friends than we felt like lovers. But, he was a dear friend, one I was loathe to lose. When he left, he said "You're my best friend. I don't want to lose that, I want us to be like you and Zillah." I couldn't do that. I could barely breathe, much less let him confide in me. He and I were lovers first--friends came after, and one without the other sliced through me.

Last time I heard from him was the first day of August, when I needed to know that he was alive, and that the flood hadn't harmed him or his family. He mailed back some of my things... And nothing since. It hurts to know I was so easy to forget. I was certain that at least on Oct. 7, the day that would have been two years, I'd at least get a Hey, How are You? email or phone call. Nothing. I didn't know he was capable of leaving an entire life behind without a backward glance. No one in our little college family has heard from him since he moved after graduation. How do you leave behind a family, a little sister, a big sister, two best friends, and an almost-fiance?

What did we do to deserve that? How did he manage to cut that part of himself off so cleanly? How did we miss that part of him, how was it so well hidden?

But I cannot forget how hard I cried,
When I discovered you had lied,
When you said I could never hurt like this.

Baby it's you,
That kept my feet on the ground,
Thought that I could choose,
If I always wanted you around,
Darling I do,
Think we need time apart,
I still need time to mend my broken seams.

Well I'm weary, I'm so weary,
I told you I'd be there,
I'm broken, I'm so broken,
But I'm here.
It's painful, It's so painful,
I told you I'd be there,
These are secrets I cannot afford to hear,
Oh, these secrets I cannot afford to hear.